Dick Flick Disguised as Chick Flick. Chick With Dick Flick?

FUCKING DAMNIT

So every fuck in this world lately thinks Kristen Wiig is like the funniest shit on SNL. I sort of get it. She makes me laugh occasionally but is it me or is every single one of her characters a different version of, "DERP THIS IS A FUNNY WAY TO TALK AND I'M ALSO BEIN KIND OF STUPIDS".
It's cool that she wrote a comedic movie though (along with Annie Mumolo) but fucking hell why does it have to be about BRIDESMAIDS? It's being brought to you by the producers of KNOCKED UP and SUPERBAD. Last i checked, these are the guys that DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WOMEN. I guess what happened is they thought, "hey we need to make a chick flick but let's like be totally radical and make it like THE HANGOVER but with women" (you know everyone is going to compare it to that movie when it comes out). All their dumb male-centric jokes are going to be recycled into this movie, and all the dumb fucks of the world will think it's funny because it's women doing them this time and not fucking Seth Rogen. For example, ALL THE CHICKS GET DIARRHEA, WHAT THE HELL CHICKS DON'T GET DIARRHEA THAT'S HILARIOUS! Also didn't they go for the same gag in Sex and the City? WE GET IT, FOREIGN COUNTRIES/FOODS GIVE YOU BAD POOP LET'S LAY OFF THIS JOKE ALREADY, JESUS.
You can already tell they're recycling the same stock characters. THAT FAT CHICK IS SO JONAH HILL.

So this is the plot as I take it from the trailer: Kristen Wiig plays some lonely single woman who agrees to be a bridesmaid for Maya Rudolph and she's got the wackiest assembly of fellow bridesmaids one of which she is in competition with for the bride's "bff" award.
Will she find love?! Will she win the BFF title?! How much funnier will fucking John Hamm get?! All dire questions that we just won't know the answer to until we watch the movie.

Really I'm just pissed that most women are STILL not able to make feature comedic films about anything other than ROMANCE or MARRIAGE or PARENTING. SNL women like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Kristen Wiig, have this great opportunity to make films that are FUNNY and NOT ABOUT THESE THINGS but they don't. Instead we have fucking BABY MAMA and BRIDESMAIDS.
This is the part where you consider Mean Girls and tell me that i'm wrong because Mean Girls is hilarious and Tina Fey wrote that. I understand that you think this, but Mean Girls falls into romantic teen comedy category and frankly i didn't think it was that funny.

Anyways, I don't know how this movie came about, if Kristen and her friend wrote it first then gave it to the Knocked Up bros or if the Knocked Up bros asked her to write it for them, but regardless this shit looks to me as if it is taking a step in NO DIRECTION. I grant, it's not placing women steps backward on the funny scale, but it's also not helping us move forward. It's really just keeping funny women at a stasis, or in other words it's SETH ROGEN PUTTING ON A VAGINA. Most people will find this movie funny because it's doing the "unexpected" CHICKS WITH DIARRHEA GUYS! However, think a little deeper and see that nothing is original about the humor. The jokes will be the same shit we've seen in Knocked Up, I Love You Man, The 40 Year Old Virgin, etc. but it's going to trick you into thinking it's totally different because women are doing it and not dudes. And what's with having to center this concept around a wedding? Why do they have to do the funny poop jokes in bridesmaids dresses?

I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh. Is it good that these women are proving they can be funny like the Knocked Up bros by doing exactly what they do or is it sad that they have to mimic them in order to gain approval of their funniness? Is the only good comedy the comedy designed by men? Wait what the fuck that's bullshit. I guess society is just as much to blame for enforcing such ideology.

FUCKIN PATRIARCHY AND SHIT TRYIN TO TELL ME WHAT'S FUNNY AND WHAT'S NOT. FFFFFUUUU !!!

Phone Sex Grandma knows what i'm talking about: (NSFW-unless you're job fucking rules and "GETS" REAL CINEMA)

An Ode To (Sort Of) Greatness

You guys ever find yourself obsessing over an actor or an actress that no one seems to give a fuck about? I have a few of them and my most prominent one is the one and only Bronson Pinchot.

Pinchot was pretty popular over twenty years ago. He was in a bunch of those 'iconic 80's greats' such as Risky Business, Beverly Hills Cop, and most notably the hit sitcom Perfect Strangers. Pinchot was the best at playing "guy with funny accent". With Balki it was sort-of Greek, and with Beverly Hills Cop it was pretty French. When Pinchot wasn't being pseudo-foreign he was playing cool American guy roles such as, Lloyd in Martin Scorcese's dark comedy After Hours.

I first fell in love with Pinchot when he was on Step by Step (oh my god, oh my god remember Step by Step? Lol 90's kid nostalgia!) He was the ultra French hairdresser, Jean-Luc. Then I saw him on The Surreal Life years later and was brought to tears every time he was brought to tears. Remember when he cried for Janice Dickinson who was all sad and crying because Omarosa was being an uber bitch to her? I do Bronson, I do.

Pretty much, Bronson Pinchot is a funny as fuck actor. If you disagree with me i'm going to have say it's because you wouldn't know comedy if it hit you in the face with a cream pie then made you slip on a banana peel as you were running to first base and being asked Who was on it.



Aside from that though he's also a really cool guy. I mean, he went to Yale (before he was famous, Franco) and graduated magna cum (teeheehee) laude. Not only is he a devout member of The International Wizard of Oz club, but he's also a Freemason. A fucking Freemason you guys.
When he's not busy having a funny accent or crying for self-obsessed has-been super models he's also busy buying land in Harford, Pennsylvania. Why you ask? No it's not because he's one of those multiple mansion owning celebrity fucks that just want a shit ton of houses for the sake of having a shit ton of houses. It's because he's trying to restore all the land in hopes of making the town look like it's in the 1800s again. Yeah, he wants to own a town and make it go back in time. That's fucking cool.



Anybody ever watch The Trouble With Larry? Probably not because only three episodes aired. Some clips are on youtube (like the one below). Here's the premise, copy and pasted from IMDB:

"During his honeymoon, the irrepressible Larry Burton is dragged off into the jungle by a large-sized male baboon and is presumed dead - eaten by apes. However, defying all odds, Larry survives and, after many comic-strip-type adventures, returns home to re-establish himself as head of the household - little realising that his wife, Sally, has married the staid and conservative Boyd Flatt during the intervening ten years, and that she is now the mother of a bright and lively nine year old daughter. Larry's return home causes considerable upheaval and consternation for the family - not least being his subsequent attempts to woo a reluctant Gabriella, his former sister-in-law, who had taken a distinct dislike to him prior to his disappearance and is still definitely opposed to the idea of getting to know Larry on a more intimate basis."

Hmmm, being trapped on a foreign land for ten years. Everyone presuming you're dead. Coming home to find out your wife is married to some guy that sucks. If I didn't know any better I would say this is EXACTLY the plot of a certain movie that was a HUGE HIT. You know the one i'm talking about. Fuckin CAST AWAY.

Conspiracy time:
Tom Hanks fucking HATES Bronson Pinchot because Perfect Strangers rocked so much harder than Bosom Buddies. THEN Bronson steals the fucking show in RISKY BUSINESS and everyone completely ignores that BACHELOR PARTY even fucking happened. Full of rage and jealousy, Hanks is determined to make sure Bronson never succeeds in Hollywood again. This sitcom comes out and though the public LOVES it, and it has such OBVIOUS potential Hanks bribes critics to call it the worst piece of shit they've ever seen. The show gets cancelled and fast forward years later HANKS HAS TWO FUCKING OSCARS while PINCHOT IS A MEMBER OF SOME FUCKING WIZARD OF OZ CLUB.

Fuck you Tom Hanks, and you're little stupid volleyball too.




As far as i'm concerned, if Bronson Pinchot was never around, the 80s would have never happened. Seriously, it would have just collapsed in on itself, and damn…I never would've been born. That's a scary thought. A lot of you 80's babies wouldn't have been either. Woah, Bronson Pinchot gave you life guys. Think about that next time you watch the Beverly Hills Cop trilogy.

MOVIE OF THE DAY TO WATCH TODAY DO IT TODAY

Okay so like i'm not big on sci-fi cause i mean let's face it i'm ~too cool~ for that g33ky noise but when it comes to sci-fi spoofs i'm all in. Obviously, the greatest sci-fi spoof of all time is the one and only Spaceballs by the "godfather of funny shit" Mel Brooks. Now comes my segue into this movie i saw last night that has nothing to do with Mel Brooks.



Vegas in Space. It's presented by Troma Entertainment/Lloyd Kaufman (is it just me, or does he look like Mel Brooks's evil twin?) but don't be alarmed, it's got none of that over the top bloody gorey hooha you're used to seeing from Troma. Instead its got drag queens galore. The plot is something like this:

Three male earth captains are sent to an all-female inhabited planet, Clitora (teeheehee), to help the Empress get her stolen gems back. The Empress lives on the planet's capital, Vegas in Space. Her gems are what help keep the planet stable/alive (i think?) They take gender transforming pills as a 'disguise' and turn into fabulous, gorgeous women. Once they enter the planet they help the Queen Chief of Police find the thief, perform a totally retro "mid-20th century" lounge act, and kill the evil robot perp.

If you're not sold already, read on.

If you look it up on IMDB note that every stupid fuck who hated it is just being a stupid fuck. It's like these people expected a B-Movie made in 1991 and starring mostly drag queens to be shot in HD, have action scenes with CGI, and have a script nearly as compelling as Titanic. There's a reason its a B-Movie you tardfaces. In fact, this film does an awesome job at looking good considering its production quality. The costumes and makeup are on point (dragtastic) and I don't know where exactly it was filmed but if it was in someone's apartment then I am very impressed. The films utilizes its very obviously low budget to the fullest, and brilliantly comments on its shitty special effects. Like check this out, it's VEGAS IN SPACE!



god i can just see one of those IMDB fucks now. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? THIS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF MY LEGO SETS FROM WHEN I WAS TEN! DO THEY HONESTLY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THIS IS A REAL PLANET? GOD THEY'RE SO DUMB!"

This film is CAMPy AS FUCK (which i always love) and yea obviously the acting is corny. The dialogue is awesome. None of the science terms made sense. I mean come on, gems are keeping the planet alive who needs science to make sense of that?

I was trying to figure out whether you could put this film in the "sexploitation" category. Yea okay so obviouslyyy every movie is a sexploitation movie if its got women in it but i mean, this film has NO SEX at all. What the fuck right? There's barely any nakedness (the only boobies you see are plastic boobies). I guess that's because if the drag queens got naked it would be "giving it away" that they weren't really women. In fact, i was pleasantly surprised that the two women who really had vaginas in the film never did get naked. I guess if anything we'd have to call this a dragsploitation flick, and frankly i think its awesome. Have i said dragtastic yet? It's that too.

Pretty much, this movie is fun and not meant to be taken seriously, at all. Doris Fish (who not only starred, but also wrote the film) is perfect. I mean look at her. Have I said dragtastic yet?



There's also a cool element to the film where a part of Vegas In Space is in black and white (that's the part of the world where the Queen Chief of Police lives) and there's also a super awesome dream sequence.



ALL IN ALL (lol this is how i end every college essay i write) just watch this movie. It's on NETFLIX INSTANT WATCH and is worth your hour and a half of free time. If you like John Waters, sci-fi, spoofs, drag queens, or laughter then i recommends this cinematicness to you.

dragtastic.

oh and also, fuck Titanic.

Who Be More Indier?

Seriously, I can't wait for this absolutely QUIRKY, INDIE, AND OFFBEAT film to come out featuring an AWKWARD boy who has feelings for this wonderfully ARTSY and AWKWARD girl. It is sure to be like NO OTHER INDIE FILM ABOUT A QUIRKY YOUNG WHITE BOY FALLING FOR A QUIRKY YOUNG WHITE GIRL, ever. It'll definately be BETTER THAN 500 DAYS OF SUMMER because it's BRITISH which automatically makes it SMARTER and QUIRKIER and MORE OFFBEAT.



Real talk. No matter how good this movie might actually end up being I'm going to say it's too little too late. It's ultimately the coming-of-age indie straw that broke the pack of Camel cigarette's back.

In my opinion this is how it all started:
We first fucked up by being all like "You're really cool Wes Anderson. Your pacing is so slow yet like i get it, you know? Holy shit is that Owen Wilson? I just saw him in Zoolander and now he's in this?! Wow this music really speaks to me, it would probably speak more to me if i understood French."
Our praise for Wes, and his resulting success seemed to have helped spawn a new breed of pseudo-independent cinema. Movies that find themselves in purgatory between Indie Heaven and Mainstream Hell (or Mainstream Heaven and Indie Hell, depending on how much you liked Transformers).
These new movies have sizable budgets, draw in well known actors, and get a lot of promotion (usually being backed by big lamestream studios) yet at the same time are released only in "select theatres".
Is that what it is? The fucking "select theatres" crap? If say Avatar kept the budget, and actors (most of whom are less known than the ones we find in many of these "indie" films), but decided to only be released in "select theatres" rather than "a theatre near you" would that make it an "indie" film?

Man i never thought i'd say it but, this is where we got to give mumblecore props. Yeah shut up, I like some mumblecore, but only some okay?
Sure mumblecore tends to deal with spoiled white kid issues just like these films do. You know issues like, "i'm so lonely in this world why doesn't anyone understand me? I need to fall in love, that's the only thing that can save me. Wait, what? No dad! I'm not going to law school I don't want to end up like you!" However, mumblebore films are made within a super low budget, don't cast big name Hollywood actors, rely a lot more on DIY ethics, and utilize the filmmaker's community more. For instance, the soundtrack is more likely to genuinely feature bands you've never heard of as opposed to bands you've never heard of until you heard them being played at Urban Outfitters.

So how about this.

If you really need your fix of contemporary alt film bout having an existential crisis and shit then i suggest you throw out your DVD of 500 Days of Summer and instead get yourself a copy of The Puffy Chair (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436689/) or Hannah Takes The Stairs (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0841108/).
Then maybe check out the web-series Young American Bodies (http://www.youngamericanbodies.com/). I personally prefer this show to a lot of the films because the episodes are short. Meaning, I don't have to worry as much about entering an irritating scene featuring a seemingly endless conversation about tube socks, and wonder how the fuck it relates to anything at all. Hint: it doesn't, but omg that's the point!? Shit, i guess i just really hate mumblecore too.



Fuck it, let's just call it a night and conclude that mumblecore is the lesser of the two evils. If you're still confused about what the fuck mumblebore is (fyi, that's my cute little nickname for it) then here let me link you to the source that knows it best, Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mumblecore).

James Franco, Sad or Douchey?

We all know the deal with him. He's considered the "renaissance man" of Hollywood. Actor, director, screenwriter, painter, performance artist, video artist, fiction writer, poet, stud muffin, man-with-RZCES (Rene Zellweger Closed Eyes Syndrome), and more! He's the epitome of "love him or hate him". You either love that he is "sooooo good at art stuff" or hate that he is "soooo undeserving of people deeming him as guy who is good at art stuff".

What exactly has Franco been doing? Well, while being a famous actor in the biz, he ended up reenrolling at UCLA for his degree in creative writing. Then asked NYU if he could grace them with his presence as an MFA film student, but i guess Columbia was all like, "Franco, y u no want study here?" so Franco being the selfless giver that he is was all like "okay Columbia give me a masters in creative writing". However, it seems as though Columbia wasn't good enough at honing Franco's writing craft cause he needed even more colleges to throw MFAs at him. He decided to see Brooklyn College on the side of Columbia (which was already being seen on the side of NYU) and occasionally hooked up with Warren Wilson College for some extra help in poetry.

See, here is where I am confused. I get why NYU and Columbia accepted Franco in the first place (because they're both bullshit universities that care more about money and reputation than anything else and what better way to get both those things than from Mr.RichandFamous himself) but if i was the hoity toity institutions they are i'd be offended that Franco was seeking outside help, and from state colleges no less! Franco is making a mockery of what it is to be an arts student. The liberal arts get a lot of flack already, and now franco is essentially saying that getting an MFA from Columbia is as easy to get as it is for him to get a handy under his desk from a hot classmate before class starts (then again i doubt it's that difficult for any guy to get a handy from a girl who's studying creative writing at an Ivy League university).

But no, these schools let him do his thang and didn't complain. Franco must have seen this as an okay to apply for his PhD at Yale, and shockingly enough-they welcomed him with open arms! Whats the PhD for? Why, creative writing of course! And get this, he wants another PhD in the same thing, but this time from the University of Houston. A PhD in the same fucking thing. Why does anyone need two PhDs? Especially if they are for THE SAME FUCKING THING.
I'm sure Franco learns a lot of new fancy words from all his classes, but has he ever learned the word 'excess'? Too much man, too much pointless multiple degrees that are ultimately all for the same thing.

And therein lies the real issue. There isn't a rule that says famous people can't go to college. In fact, David Duchovny was a PhD student at Yale too (but has yet to complete his work for the degree). However, there is a sort of unwritten rule about doing all these things at the same time. It's impossible. I can barely handle being a double major at one university, and that's just me speaking as plain old student, and not as soap opera star and movie actor. It's the simultaneity and selfish need to do all these things for the sake of a degree that makes Franco go from "talented, attractive young guy" to "ridiculously undeserving attractive young guy". Yes, there are many other public figures who have accomplished just as many things, but they never did it in such an "in your face manner" and so quickly. Usually, doing all these things and doing them well takes a lot of time, and a lot of effort. It's like this. While other multi-faceted artists work on one thing at a time, struggle to get the respective community they're working for's approval, Franco just jacks off all his bullshit-jizz onto everything at once and calls it a day.



If that isn't enough to convince you Franco's just being a douche consider this too. He's fucking famous, well-connected, and rich. When his NYU film class assigns a project his fellow students struggle with their limited resources to find actors, filming locations, etc. while Franco just says, "well i'm hosting SNL this week so why not just document that!" Yeah of course that's going to be awesome. You're able to get Amy Poehler on your homework project while some other kid without this advantage is stuck interviewing some guy who once saw Mick Jagger at a McDonalds.

Then again, maybe James Franco is not being a douche. I'm no expert or anything (although i did read the first two chapters of Psychology for Dummies in the eleventh grade) but i have a feeling there might be some deeper emotional issues with Franco. I mean think about it, the guy has this undeniable urge to stay busy. Why? Why this urge to always be doing something? Honestly, does James have any friends? You know like, real friends? I want to know. Do you think Franco might just be so lonely and feel so alienated to the point where he needs these entitlements in order to distract himself from admitting to such feelings? If this, or something like it, is the case then i predict Franco eventually going fuck-off crazy in the near future. He'll be the next Gary Busey, not the next Orson Welles. So oblivious to the fact that he can't possibly be as talented as he says he is,and so eager to prove all the haters wrong (which will never happen) I feel like some meltdown is bound to happen.



Or am i totally off? Am i doing just what every institution he works with does? Am i giving him too much credit just because he's famous?