I stumbled upon the first episode of Fox's series, The New Girl starring Zooey Deschanel to decide if it's something really worth subjecting myself to. I mean watching. If it's something worth watching. Haven't seen it? Here's a little summary: So this totally quirky indie chick (Deschanel) gets cheated on by her boyfriend and has to move out of her place. She answers one craigslist ad for three totally normal, attractive dudes looking for a roomie (cause that's how craigslist works). They're all hesitant but the one bro dude is all like, “she's friends with a supermodel we got to let her live with us dude,” and the sensitive one is like, “I know what it's like to live with a woman maybe this isn't a good idea” and the black guy is all like, “I'm the black guy. I'm only here to be black and not have much of a character”. But of course, they let her live with them. Her quirky awesomeness prevails over these lesser males with their less quirky quirks and less indie indieness. The rest of the episode then puts the spotlight on our girl Zooey. Man did I mention this chick was quirky? Seriously, she's such an oddball. I mean does singing randomly, out of nowhere not prove to you that she's so different? Like songs that aren't even real songs. Isn't that just one of a kind or what? Man, i'm over girls watching this crap and thinking this is how they should behave. Speaking as well as acting like a ten year old and randomly singing songs in public is annoying, not cute. Girls, please don't try emulating her manic pixie demeanor. It's scary more than anything. I mean it's going to get to a point where just singing in public, or making up your own words, or any other similar quirk isn't going to cut it. Eventually, the manic pixie dream girl is going to have to stand out by having a stuffed parrot on her shoulder that she talks to, and occasionally it talks back telling her to murder a member of congress. Then what are we going to do Zooey? You just might have to leave She and Him and join a rag tag team of Somali pirates in order to further stand out from the other pixie babes. However, I will give the Zoester some credit. I've never seen her have so much personality before. That scene where she was bursting out crying while watching Dirty Dancing completely shocked me. I didn't think her face could make such wide expressions. You see Zoey is like watching this rock that hot dudes fall in love with and you're always like, “dude why are they so in love with this rock? It's not even doing anything! I mean sure it has nice bangs but that can't be the basis of falling in love with it, or can it?” Then one day you watch it on a t.v. show and this rock suddenly moves a bit and you're like, “woah rock, you moved! Now I am a small step closer to sort of seeing how a human male might find you somewhat interesting.” Honestly i've come to realize that having to subject myself to all those scenes of forced awkwardness and cliched cuteness has done nothing but make me hate the world more. With this show in particular it feels like the writers aren't even trying to make anything subtle. They're just straight up selling you what happens when 500 Days of Summer and Garden State combine forces, then break that up into several episodes, and add a theme song.
1.) Andy Serkis can only be in movies if he plays ugly, heavily CGI'd creatures. Andy Serkis must feel like the ugliest man in the world.
2.) Tom Felton can only be in movies if he is a complete asshole. Part of me feels like he's the next Willem Defoe, but in like a more charming and British and bleached blonde sort of way.
3.) James Franco is a steaming pile of crap, and yet i'm still totally DTF.
I got this movie on vhs from a thrift store in Connecticut and let me tell you, it's my second favorite purchase ever (first if abortions don't count...lolol jk jk don't hate me). It's pretty much the perfect movie for fans of 80s teen flicks. It's got melodrama, James Spader, and Robert Downey (before he went all "jr." on our asses), who could ask for anything more? Oh you can? Well how about it's also got Jim Caroll and takes place in the San Fernando Valley. Okay maybe the whole San Fernando Valley thing won't be a sell unless you're from there (like I am). So if you're not from there, replace it instead with Kim Richard's hair. Cause her hair is fucking awesome in this movie. Seeeeeee...
Plot synopsis (IMDuhB): "At the start of his senior year in high school, Morgan's father has lost his company, so the family moves from Connecticut, where they've been in the yacht club, to an apartment in the San Fernando Valley. Morgan has grown up in the shadow of his high-achieving older brother, and he seems to have a knack for getting into trouble. He also has a stubborn streak, so when he finds himself attracted to Frankie, the girlfriend of the leader of a local gang of youthful thugs, he can't stop himself from pushing her for a relationship. The thug thinks of Frankie as his property and sees the cool, urbane Morgan as dead meat. Is this a struggle to the death?"
Honestly, I thought this movie was thoroughly entertaining. You kind of have to be in the mood for it but I think James Spader is able to tone down the cheese and Robert Downey is pretty hilarious. I don't get why a lot of people didn't like this film, but can go on saying The Breakfast Club is much better. This film has a lot more badassery, violence, and teenage shenanigans like you know, breaking into a country club and singing to your love interest while all the rich people slow dance.
My personal favorite character is Kim Richards's boyfriend who looks like he's about 32 years old but is meant to pass as a high school senior. He's pretty fucking mean. Him and James Spader have an epic battle near the end of the film. I don't want to give too much away so i'll just hint at it with this: empty warehouse, guns, and a sneaky attack involving a rope and whistling.
Oh also, did I mention that Jim Caroll is in it? Briefly, yes...but still that's way more awesome than any John Hughes bullshit.
Someone was sweet enough to put the whole movie on youtube:
So last night I finally got around to seeing Bridesmaids. It was only five dollars, so i figured sure why not. After all the press it got I was borderline worried that I would end up liking it and then feel mad awkward for writing that hateful post about it before it came out, but luckily I can safely say SHIT STUNK. HARD.
Yay!
So the press was essentially making this film out to be a female-centered comedy that, brace yourselves here, EVEN MEN WILL LIKE.
With this dumb as fuck mentality in mind I went into it thinking it would be nothing like the standard Hollywood "chick flick", but in the end it ended up being just that. Seriously, it held onto all the women-centered stereotypes like Kristen Wiig being a cake baker. The majority of what these women did end up talking about was relationship/marriage problems. And also, this movie was way too long and had too much Kristen Wiig in it (she had a great moment when she was fucked up on the airplane though).
Pretty much, i'm glad I hated on this movie before seeing it, and am even more underwhelmed than I thought I would be. For being an Apatow backed production, I was expecting to see more of that good old "male humor" all you media fucks like to talk about and claim to be real humor, and in the end only got a romantic comedy that could have just as easily been a Kate Hudson flick full of cliched "for women" jokes and stereotyped tropes.
I am left even more confused. Why was the media all about this film being "groundbreaking"? I think for an all female-starring comedy to truly be groundbreaking it has to defy stereotyped notions of what it is women are, and talk about. Take the women away from career paths such as bakery owner, housewife, or some sales executive who is a total bitch in order to prove she's just as "tough as the guys". Make less conversation about relationships, and more conversation about other things. You know like politics, life, religion, etc. Seriously, Hollywood comedy writer bros, talking about these things can still be fucking funny, i promise! Also can the whole point of the film not be about finding love, or getting married? This would make for a truly interesting and groundbreaking film for women.
I can't think of any comedies that have these elements and star a majority of women, but as soon as I find one I will let you know. If you know of one, please tell me. I want to see it, badly.
Alright i'll admit, this is a little funny:
Monday, July 4, 2011
I've been having a sort of lack of posts lately. I was going to attempt to blame it on this internship I got in San Francisco, but let's face it that shit's only once a week and I'm just a lazy ball of laziness (Summer!) My internship is pretty cool though. It's for a company that archives/preserves/distributes experimental films. I've never been big on experimental film so am learning a lot of new names, and watching a lot of new videos. I've compiled a list of some favorites that you know, just happened to also be on Youtube.
Watch:
This one is cool because it is completely silent and has cats.
This one rules because Kuchar is kind of an asshole in it.
Play this one at 240p to hear the sound. I like this one because it's obviously the most political.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Look you guys, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to see a movie at a movie theater by yourself. Seriously, it feels like every time I tell someone I just went to see a movie they first ask me, "who with?", and then when I reply with, "no one just me!" they ask me if everything is okay. "Are you depressed?" "Bad break up?" "Recent death in the family?". No Jesus goddamn-it fuck dude I just wanted to go see a movie and didn't feel the need to post a fucking Facebook status about it and bring in a herd of 30 people so we could all sit and not talk for two hours.
Don't get me wrong, at first I was one of those people. I used to dread the thought of going to see a movie, and running into someone I knew. As if them seeing me as I eat popcorn in a dark theater alone is absolute proof I have no friends and am a lonely piece of shit.
However, it then got to a point where I realized that that anxiety is so petty. It reminded me of being in middle school. The crappiest three years of every human being's life. Honestly, if you enjoyed sixth through eighth grade there is something terribly wrong with you. I'm pretty sure it's scientific fact that any person who misses being thirteen is eighteen times more likely to end up becoming a serial killer, or a dentist. In my tween days, going to see a movie with your friends was the adult equivalent of going to a local bar. We were regulars (but not the well loved kind because we were shit heads) and the absolute most embarrassing thing to ever see was someone we knew with their PARENTS or even worse their GRANDPARENTS. Oh, the humility!
To avoid regressing to the horrors of tween angst I overcame the fear of possibly being seen alone, and just fucking did it. Now I must say that I almost prefer going alone. Or rather, it's not much different than going to see it with a friend. So why don't you just do it? Or at least stop acting like those who do are like totally lame or some shit.
I don't know. I'm pretty bored and sitting in a laundromat waiting for clothes to dry which is why I bring this up. Maybe i'll have some better post later about some fuckin topical shit like the incredibility of Snapple facts, or why the stand alone letter 'i' has to be capitalized but not stand alone 'a'.
aka the greatest BMX movie ever made! Okay well i'm not really an expert on BMX, or BMX films, but i would like to think i know my shit about cheesy 80s teen flicks, and RAD (hella) qualifies as one of these. I didn't even realize I owned this movie (an out of print VHS copy) until i reorganized my movie shelves. Intrigued by the title, i popped it in and was instantly brought into the world of BMX. This film never made it to theaters but gained success as a straight to VHS release in 1986, and now has a strong cult following.
Synopsis from IMDB because i'm too lazy to write one on my own:
The story of Cru Jones, a young man who can overcome all obstacles that prevent him from participating in the BMX race "Helltrack." As he works towards his dream, Cru falls in love with Christian, an amateur racer. With the help of Christian and her friends, can Cru's "Rad Racing Team" defeat the top BMX factory rider, Bart Taylor?
SPOILER ALERT
The answer is yes, yes he can. Bart starts off as the super hot, blonde, proBMXrider asshole who has a change of heart at the end of the film and wants to race Cru without pulling any tricks. Cru wins the race, keeps his dignity, and gets the girl. It's a pretty classic sports movie scenario that manages to pull off some laughs, not all intentional.
I think my favorite part of the film is the school dance which for some reason the pro-BMX riders attend (and the mayor?). They have an awesome dance scene and then Cru and his love interest Christian (Lori Loughlin of Full House fame) engage in the most glorious slow-mo dance atop BMX bikes routine i have ever seen. Now that i think of it, this film's greatest accomplishment is probably its mastery of slow-motion. I could watch Cru and Christian sliding down that water slide into the river in slow motion for hours.
If you don't know what i'm talking about and wish you did, watch the whole movie. It's all on youtube, here's part 1:
Then again, if you just want to watch the school dance scene then just watch it here in part 4:
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Man, I really want to see this movie. I don't even know the title of it, and goddamn I just really want to see it. I think it's because that tagline is just too enticing. I mean who would walk by this poster and not notice the two huge, voluptuous eyes on that woman, and that oh so sexy and chiseled Daniel Craig bod covered by a very nice looking black jacket. Seriously, this movie poster looks like it's got the two greatest assets any film needs to successfully sell itself. It's in the essential black and white, and it's got a release date! What more do I need from a poster than that? You got my ticket sale movie, you can count on that!
Okay real talk. I don't fucking get this stupid as shit poster for Girl With A Dragoon Tattoo. How did this poster even get released? It's just so incredibly, obviously, sexist i just...i don't...why?! I mean come on can't you at least pair the naked chick with a naked Daniel Craig?
Oh wait, now i get it, is her being topless the only way we can see her dragon tattoo? This is like that muppets poster where Kermit is secretly hiding in the trees above Amy Adams and Jason Segel. Can you find her dragon? I haven't found it yet, but then again the only place i've looked is her crotch.
HOLD THE PHONE!!
I've been informed this shit's underlying theme apparently is about sexual violence against women. So wait, really? This is the poster they choose? Now this fucking poster pisses me off even more. Is it okay to objectify the main character of a film because she's also going to send some sort of message about rape being bad? Exploit her it's fine, cause you know, in the movie you'll see she's really sending like a totally positive message or some shit like that.
Man, remember when Netflix didn't have the Instant Watch feature and Blockbuster still had a chance of surviving?
Remember when we had to wait like two whole long and extremely unbearable days for that fuckin DVD to arrive in the mail? I don't know about you, but i haven't checked out an actual DVD from Netflix in over a year. Seriously, i have had this copy of Lars and the Real Girl for that long. Netflix must suspect that i have a freakish attachment to this movie because it accomplished what i had previously thought the impossible by making Ryan Gosling the least sexual and most undesirable man on the planet. Seriously, i'd rather bone Sloth from the Goonies.
But no Netflix that's not it. I've simply just become one of the 'converted'. I've joined that new breed of movie watchers who now prefer to ditch their small screen in the living room for the even smaller screen on their computer. Thanks to Instant Watch no longer do i have to do that whole waiting bullshit to watch awesome movies, and believe me I have been using this feature to its full advantage. My Instant Watch queue had even reached its maximum several times (it's 500 if you were wondering). No longer do I have to fall asleep to the sound of my own bitter and depressing thoughts, but now my trusty laptop rests beside me, playing any movie I pick from my glorious queue (I swear i'm not lonely).
With the advancement of Instant Watch however, i have also found that with watching movies on my computer comes with a new set of distractions: the internet.
It's hard to watch something and not want to check the Facebook every now and then, or my email, or Tumblr. You know, that shit-I'd continue listing all the sites I frequent on the internet but after the fifth or sixth shit gets weird. Like ultimate surrender porn weird...lol just kidding!!! (I swear i'm not lonely).
If the movie ends up being too boring, i'll just give up on it and deem "interwebz" the winner over "filmstuffs".
So now I give you the three most recent films that in reading their synposis should have been more entertaining than my Facebook ,but in reality were proving far too boring for me to go on with.
Seems sort of interesting for a romcom. I was curious. After the first fifteen minutes I was still interested (which is usually the point where i lose my interest in most other romantic comedies). So, i'll just tell you. This lady gave her pet dog a blowjob when she was in college and is now scared to tell her fiance about it. That's it. That's the fucking movie. After forty minutes my patience grew thin and I gave up. Movie started pissing me off to be honest. Her fiance just confessed to having eaten a cookie glazed with his and his friends semen on it back in the day, but when she finally does tell him about the canine BJ she performed back in the day he freaks the fuck out and is all like WOAH YOU'RE A DOG FUCKER?! Fucking men. Hypocritical sexist pigfucks (i'm not lonely i swear).
Obviously, i have no idea how it ends. My guess is it has something to do with the invention of sex toys for dogs and the two fall back in love and grow wildly rich together.
2.) Bunny and The Bull. Netflix summary:
Stephen Turnbull (Edward Hogg) hasn't left his flat in months. With so much time to think, his mind wanders back to a road trip he and his friend Bunny (Simon Farnaby) once took across Europe. As he revisits the journey, a psychedelic swirl of memories invades his living room. And since most of the trip was an utter disaster, Stephen's apartment is in for a makeover. Paul King, the mad genius behind "The Mighty Boosh," helms this comedy.
The indiehipsterfuck in me saw "The Mighty Boosh" relation and was so stoked on watching this. Then the indiehipsterQUIRKYfuck in me was even more stoked with the opening scene showing some attractive skinny dude being trapped in his apartment and cataloging his piss. Then the indiehipsterquirkyARTSYfuck in me noticed that the flashback scenes are super fuckin cool cause all the scenery is paper cutouts that look super like "nonconventional" and "creative". The characters (this skinny dude and his friend Bunny) were captivating at first and yeah, the dialogue was clever. I was hooked until the Spanish lady came into the mix. From there shit just got boring and i was like "damn, wonder if any more people 'liked' my status today". I was growing tired of the skinny dude being so anal retentive and his buddy being the badass.
Now that is a tired tired tired tired tired tired convention. Like seriously, why do movies continue to do that whole, have the supporting character be the total opposite of the main character in every way imaginable, yet somehow they still manage to be the best of friends, thing? It's just so unrealistic. If i am an anal, obsessive compulsive, piss-cataloguing dude i'm not going to want to keep hanging out with a messy, sloppy, constantly-fucking-chicks dude. Seriously, what makes sense about that? People justify it by saying "it's cause he wants to be that guy, but can't do it so he just lives vicariously through his friend blah blah blah". Honestly to me that's just a cop out. Not being able to think of another way to show some main character's hidden desires. If he wanted to be that guy he would just be. that. guy.
Anyways...
3.) Raging Bull.
Oh yeah, i'm going there. Sorry cinephiles but i'm going to totally blow your shithole by deeming this "masterpiece" dull as balls.
wait wait wait, check this out: Raging Bull, more like Raging Bore. Martin Scorcese? More like Martin Scorfailsy! Hehehehe (i'm not lonely i swear).
No seriously, i'm sorry, but for being number four on that super legit AFI hundred greatest American films list i was quite disappointed in how not awesome i found this film to be. Maybe it's because i'm not a big Scorcese fan, or a boxing fan. I also think Robert De Niro is one of the most overrated actors of all time. Other than Taxi Driver, and maybe like one or two others, his characters fail to impress me. It's always just "italian tough guy" "or tough gangster" or "tough guy" or "tough". It's like he's pretty much just always being himself and people confuse it for method acting. I know, i'm taking a big risk saying all this but fuck it: RAGING BULL IS TOO LONG, AND EXTREMELY UNIMPRESSIVE. I finally broke focus after one painful hour to update my Tumblr. That's the severity of boredom i was experiencing with Raging Bull. It was that bad. Tumblr bad.
I couldn't sit through Raging Bull, yet last night I managed to focus all my attention on Joe's Apartment. Netflix summary:
Based on a popular short, the first MTV-produced film shows what happens when Joe (Jerry O'Connell) moves from rural Iowa to New York. Forced to rent a squalid apartment, the clean-scrubbed Midwesterner discovers the place is infested with thousands of cockroaches. But before he calls the exterminator, Joe decides to observe the insects, which quickly win his affection with their distinctly un-insect-like behavior.
Like seriously, singing and dancing cockroaches. How could one look away?
People don't give 'crappy' movies enough credit. Sometimes it's these kinds of movies that leave you thinking more than the "cinematic greats" do.
For instance, in Raging Bull all i was getting was the notion that there's this troubled guy who can't handle his rage and jealousy and is slowly ruining his career because of it. Yeah yeah sucks to be him.
However, it was a talking cockroach that left me with this food for thought: "mankind's need to being alone is a false philosophical construct".
Just consider that next time you're debating between "Critically-acclaimed Cerebral Independent Movies" and "Goofy Late Night Comedies" (got to love Netflix's genre creations)
So to sum up, with great Instant Watch power comes great responsibility. It seems as though there's a new way to judge a film's ability to captivate. Whether it can outlast one's need to check on their Facebook, or check for any new emails, or to find out when Cuba Gooding Jr's birthday is.
...and this is the part where you look up Cuba Gooding Jr's birthday.
I'm about to Rodney Dangerfield up in this bitch and say that i got NO RESPECT, NO RESPECT AT ALL for these women: Jennifer Hudson, Sara Rue, and Raven Symone. There are many more like them, but these are the main three making "news" right now for this particular issue:
These are women who were at one point OVERWEIGHT (not obese mind you) but are now SKINNY and because of this they become spokeswomen for weight-loss programs or just flat out get interviewed and say dumb shit like BEING SKINNY ROCKS, THIS IS SO MUCH BETTARRR when before they were always saying shit like I LOVE MY BODY THE WAY IT IS, WHY SHOULD I CHANGE MYSELF FOR DA INDUSTRY?
It's more sad than anything really. Hollywood has always been good at misrepresenting women. Sexualizing and objectifying them to fit a ridiculous mold that few women can realistically, either physically or mentally fit into. According to mainstream cinema, women just can't be attractive if they are overweight.
So with this in mind, a few bigger women manage to achieve success without fitting into said mold and of course, their weight becomes a topic of discussion. They say poop like "I'm big and beautiful. Feels good knowing i'm a role model for girls like me", and then what happens? A few years later they are featured in covers of shitty magazines saying THINNER AND FEELING BETTER.
It's a vicious cycle, and i DO understand where these women are coming from. They really are in the worst possible fucking industry when it comes to body image, but it would really be so much better if they didn't say how they feel so great now, as if they were so depressed and sad to be overweight before. Blatantly contradicting themselves and proving that after all these years Hollywood is still not ready to let overweight women onto their screens.
That is, unless they're SO FAT THAT THEY'RE FUNNY. Funny women can be anything-fat, ethnic, gay. As long as they're not too in the way of their pretty best friend on screen they can be in nearly every damn movie saying hilarious shit like "if i had your skinny ass i'd bone that man in two seconds flat!" Man these women got audiences laughing up a storm! Now go away so Kate Hudson can herpderp her way to twue wuv.
Basically, there's a difference between being overweight and being unhealthy. Having some extra pounds does not automatically mean you are going to have a heart attack any day now. There is no real reason for Hollywood to essentially ban these women from the screens other than because they simply don't want big girls getting the limelight. Besides, Hollywood can't go on saying that putting overweight women in leading roles is promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, and instead put women that are quite evidently underweight as leads instead, as if that is somehow healthier.
My hopes were high when JHud won the oscar for that Dreamgirls movie about the rise and fall of Destiny's Child (I never watched it, but it's about Beyonce trying to go solo after being in a girl group right?) All her "breakin boundaries" cred. is lost on me now. She went from that to this:
Fucking god listen to that crap. FINALLY I GOT A SMILE ON MY FACE AFTER BEING ON WEIGHT WATCHERS AND LOOK I'M ALSO SINGING ABOUT IT. I NEVER DO THAT, EVER. THAT'S HOW FUCKING HAPPY I AM TO FINALLY BE SKINNNNNY!!!!
Sara Rue too:
MAN I'M SO SKINNY AND HOT. LOOK AT MY LEGS! IT'S A NEW ME! I TRULY FEEL LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING NOW THAT I'M THIN!
These are the same women who previously boasted being 'proud of their curves'.
I don't know. If these women are genuinely a lot happier now that they are thin then fine, whatever. I'll just consider any positive things they said about being overweight before total and complete bullshit.
If that's the case, then Hollywood needs a new type of "leading lady". One that has got some extra pudge and isn't treated like she has a problem. Give her the same roles as other women without acknowledging her appearance. Let's have a woman that can be that, without making her an object of ridicule. I want a truly confident woman to be on screen, and not give in to the industry's stupid as fuck standards. That's all.
It's an often very important element in hundreds of thousands of movies. In American cinema especially, we see it often in all its glorified awesomeness. From Wayne's World, to Mystic Pizza to Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. From Diner, to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, to Goodburger. From Grease to Dog Day Afternoon to Coming to America to...well there's a shit ton more you get my point.
If you haven't guessed already, i'm talking about the ever beloved foods that are PIZZA and BURGERS. Seriously, the two greatest foods in the world to put in a movie. Believe it or not, many articles have already been written about "greatest pizza scenes in a movie" and "best fast food scenes" etc. However, has anyone ever done the unthinkable? Has anyone pitted the two iconic foods together? No? What i'm really trying to say is...
THAT'S RIGHT THIS IS A FUCKING BLOG POST DEDICATED TO PIZZA VERSUS BURGERS. GO AWAY NOW IF YOU'RE LAME AND THINK THIS IS STUPID
We can say now that pizza obviously wins when it comes to porn flicks thanks to pizza delivery boys graciously adding "an extra special sausage" to every order. However, does pizza reign supreme in the non-pornographic film world?
This is the part of the post where IF i were a lame and out-of-touch suburbanite I would compare this battle to Tupac versus Biggie. However, i know that that was many years ago and is highly irrelevant today and that only other lame and clueless fucks would find it funny which is why instead i'll say...
Man, PIZZA versus BURGERS. It's like KOBE versus SHAQ am i right? So hard to decide!!
At first glance it might seem that burgers take the prize due to the number of much more "quality flicks" they happen to be a part of. Just think of any diner movie, or movie with a well known diner scene, and chances are it's got people eating burgers. However, that's also the problem. You see unlike pizza, it's not as likely for the burger to be acknowledged outside of the eatery it's being eaten at.
Burgers tend to need that locational crutch in order to keep themselves prevalent. Pizza on the other hand, isn't fixed to a location. It is more appreciated outside of a geographical realm, and is more often than not beloved for what it is as opposed to where it is coming from.
Then again, can't deny when a burger gets its props:
This is the opening credits to Hamburger: The Motion Picture. This movie is seriously the most "America" movie I have ever seen. A super stud white dude is sent to BUSTERBURGER university (name of burger franchise) after being kicked out of every other college he's attended because he KEEPS HAVING SEX with women and CAN'T FOCUS ON SCHOOLWORK. My favorite part of this movie is the fiery Latina woman from the country of GUACAMOLE. This movie seriously has everything you need for a successful comedy. Sex, racism, capitalism, and a fat guy.
Regardless of all this. I still can't help but lean more towards the pizza side. It just doesn't rely as heavily on the "name brand" support that burgers got. Get what i'm sayin? I guess in a way you can say pizza just hasn't like, totally sold out you know? Pizza is like Bill Murray before Garfield (this paragraph just solidified that i am the shittiest person in the world).
And another thing, burgers and their tight relationship with fast food restaurants have become more detrimental than anything. In more recent years, films such as Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation helped ruin the fun for everyone by showing us just how crappy and gross burgers really are (thanks a lot Morgan "Buzzkill" Spurlock).
So there it is. I just about figured this shit out. Pizza rules all, forever and ever. You're welcome America.
P.S. HOT DOGS ARE THE FUCKING WORST THEY NEED TO BE OUT OF MOVIES FOREVER HOLY SHIT THEY SUCK SO HARD
So every fuck in this world lately thinks Kristen Wiig is like the funniest shit on SNL. I sort of get it. She makes me laugh occasionally but is it me or is every single one of her characters a different version of, "DERP THIS IS A FUNNY WAY TO TALK AND I'M ALSO BEIN KIND OF STUPIDS". It's cool that she wrote a comedic movie though (along with Annie Mumolo) but fucking hell why does it have to be about BRIDESMAIDS? It's being brought to you by the producers of KNOCKED UP and SUPERBAD. Last i checked, these are the guys that DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WOMEN. I guess what happened is they thought, "hey we need to make a chick flick but let's like be totally radical and make it like THE HANGOVER but with women" (you know everyone is going to compare it to that movie when it comes out). All their dumb male-centric jokes are going to be recycled into this movie, and all the dumb fucks of the world will think it's funny because it's women doing them this time and not fucking Seth Rogen. For example, ALL THE CHICKS GET DIARRHEA, WHAT THE HELL CHICKS DON'T GET DIARRHEA THAT'S HILARIOUS! Also didn't they go for the same gag in Sex and the City? WE GET IT, FOREIGN COUNTRIES/FOODS GIVE YOU BAD POOP LET'S LAY OFF THIS JOKE ALREADY, JESUS. You can already tell they're recycling the same stock characters. THAT FAT CHICK IS SO JONAH HILL.
So this is the plot as I take it from the trailer: Kristen Wiig plays some lonely single woman who agrees to be a bridesmaid for Maya Rudolph and she's got the wackiest assembly of fellow bridesmaids one of which she is in competition with for the bride's "bff" award. Will she find love?! Will she win the BFF title?! How much funnier will fucking John Hamm get?! All dire questions that we just won't know the answer to until we watch the movie.
Really I'm just pissed that most women are STILL not able to make feature comedic films about anything other than ROMANCE or MARRIAGE or PARENTING. SNL women like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Kristen Wiig, have this great opportunity to make films that are FUNNY and NOT ABOUT THESE THINGS but they don't. Instead we have fucking BABY MAMA and BRIDESMAIDS. This is the part where you consider Mean Girls and tell me that i'm wrong because Mean Girls is hilarious and Tina Fey wrote that. I understand that you think this, but Mean Girls falls into romantic teen comedy category and frankly i didn't think it was that funny.
Anyways, I don't know how this movie came about, if Kristen and her friend wrote it first then gave it to the Knocked Up bros or if the Knocked Up bros asked her to write it for them, but regardless this shit looks to me as if it is taking a step in NO DIRECTION. I grant, it's not placing women steps backward on the funny scale, but it's also not helping us move forward. It's really just keeping funny women at a stasis, or in other words it's SETH ROGEN PUTTING ON A VAGINA. Most people will find this movie funny because it's doing the "unexpected" CHICKS WITH DIARRHEA GUYS! However, think a little deeper and see that nothing is original about the humor. The jokes will be the same shit we've seen in Knocked Up, I Love You Man, The 40 Year Old Virgin, etc. but it's going to trick you into thinking it's totally different because women are doing it and not dudes. And what's with having to center this concept around a wedding? Why do they have to do the funny poop jokes in bridesmaids dresses?
I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh. Is it good that these women are proving they can be funny like the Knocked Up bros by doing exactly what they do or is it sad that they have to mimic them in order to gain approval of their funniness? Is the only good comedy the comedy designed by men? Wait what the fuck that's bullshit. I guess society is just as much to blame for enforcing such ideology.
FUCKIN PATRIARCHY AND SHIT TRYIN TO TELL ME WHAT'S FUNNY AND WHAT'S NOT. FFFFFUUUU !!!
Phone Sex Grandma knows what i'm talking about: (NSFW-unless you're job fucking rules and "GETS" REAL CINEMA)
You guys ever find yourself obsessing over an actor or an actress that no one seems to give a fuck about? I have a few of them and my most prominent one is the one and only Bronson Pinchot.
Pinchot was pretty popular over twenty years ago. He was in a bunch of those 'iconic 80's greats' such as Risky Business, Beverly Hills Cop, and most notably the hit sitcom Perfect Strangers. Pinchot was the best at playing "guy with funny accent". With Balki it was sort-of Greek, and with Beverly Hills Cop it was pretty French. When Pinchot wasn't being pseudo-foreign he was playing cool American guy roles such as, Lloyd in Martin Scorcese's dark comedy After Hours.
I first fell in love with Pinchot when he was on Step by Step (oh my god, oh my god remember Step by Step? Lol 90's kid nostalgia!) He was the ultra French hairdresser, Jean-Luc. Then I saw him on The Surreal Life years later and was brought to tears every time he was brought to tears. Remember when he cried for Janice Dickinson who was all sad and crying because Omarosa was being an uber bitch to her? I do Bronson, I do.
Pretty much, Bronson Pinchot is a funny as fuck actor. If you disagree with me i'm going to have say it's because you wouldn't know comedy if it hit you in the face with a cream pie then made you slip on a banana peel as you were running to first base and being asked Who was on it.
Aside from that though he's also a really cool guy. I mean, he went to Yale (before he was famous, Franco) and graduated magna cum (teeheehee) laude. Not only is he a devout member of The International Wizard of Oz club, but he's also a Freemason. A fucking Freemason you guys. When he's not busy having a funny accent or crying for self-obsessed has-been super models he's also busy buying land in Harford, Pennsylvania. Why you ask? No it's not because he's one of those multiple mansion owning celebrity fucks that just want a shit ton of houses for the sake of having a shit ton of houses. It's because he's trying to restore all the land in hopes of making the town look like it's in the 1800s again. Yeah, he wants to own a town and make it go back in time. That's fucking cool.
Anybody ever watch The Trouble With Larry? Probably not because only three episodes aired. Some clips are on youtube (like the one below). Here's the premise, copy and pasted from IMDB:
"During his honeymoon, the irrepressible Larry Burton is dragged off into the jungle by a large-sized male baboon and is presumed dead - eaten by apes. However, defying all odds, Larry survives and, after many comic-strip-type adventures, returns home to re-establish himself as head of the household - little realising that his wife, Sally, has married the staid and conservative Boyd Flatt during the intervening ten years, and that she is now the mother of a bright and lively nine year old daughter. Larry's return home causes considerable upheaval and consternation for the family - not least being his subsequent attempts to woo a reluctant Gabriella, his former sister-in-law, who had taken a distinct dislike to him prior to his disappearance and is still definitely opposed to the idea of getting to know Larry on a more intimate basis."
Hmmm, being trapped on a foreign land for ten years. Everyone presuming you're dead. Coming home to find out your wife is married to some guy that sucks. If I didn't know any better I would say this is EXACTLY the plot of a certain movie that was a HUGE HIT. You know the one i'm talking about. Fuckin CAST AWAY.
Conspiracy time: Tom Hanks fucking HATES Bronson Pinchot because Perfect Strangers rocked so much harder than Bosom Buddies. THEN Bronson steals the fucking show in RISKY BUSINESS and everyone completely ignores that BACHELOR PARTY even fucking happened. Full of rage and jealousy, Hanks is determined to make sure Bronson never succeeds in Hollywood again. This sitcom comes out and though the public LOVES it, and it has such OBVIOUS potential Hanks bribes critics to call it the worst piece of shit they've ever seen. The show gets cancelled and fast forward years later HANKS HAS TWO FUCKING OSCARS while PINCHOT IS A MEMBER OF SOME FUCKING WIZARD OF OZ CLUB.
Fuck you Tom Hanks, and you're little stupid volleyball too.
As far as i'm concerned, if Bronson Pinchot was never around, the 80s would have never happened. Seriously, it would have just collapsed in on itself, and damn…I never would've been born. That's a scary thought. A lot of you 80's babies wouldn't have been either. Woah, Bronson Pinchot gave you life guys. Think about that next time you watch the Beverly Hills Cop trilogy.
Okay so like i'm not big on sci-fi cause i mean let's face it i'm ~too cool~ for that g33ky noise but when it comes to sci-fi spoofs i'm all in. Obviously, the greatest sci-fi spoof of all time is the one and only Spaceballs by the "godfather of funny shit" Mel Brooks. Now comes my segue into this movie i saw last night that has nothing to do with Mel Brooks.
Vegas in Space. It's presented by Troma Entertainment/Lloyd Kaufman (is it just me, or does he look like Mel Brooks's evil twin?) but don't be alarmed, it's got none of that over the top bloody gorey hooha you're used to seeing from Troma. Instead its got drag queens galore. The plot is something like this:
Three male earth captains are sent to an all-female inhabited planet, Clitora (teeheehee), to help the Empress get her stolen gems back. The Empress lives on the planet's capital, Vegas in Space. Her gems are what help keep the planet stable/alive (i think?) They take gender transforming pills as a 'disguise' and turn into fabulous, gorgeous women. Once they enter the planet they help the Queen Chief of Police find the thief, perform a totally retro "mid-20th century" lounge act, and kill the evil robot perp.
If you're not sold already, read on.
If you look it up on IMDB note that every stupid fuck who hated it is just being a stupid fuck. It's like these people expected a B-Movie made in 1991 and starring mostly drag queens to be shot in HD, have action scenes with CGI, and have a script nearly as compelling as Titanic. There's a reason its a B-Movie you tardfaces. In fact, this film does an awesome job at looking good considering its production quality. The costumes and makeup are on point (dragtastic) and I don't know where exactly it was filmed but if it was in someone's apartment then I am very impressed. The films utilizes its very obviously low budget to the fullest, and brilliantly comments on its shitty special effects. Like check this out, it's VEGAS IN SPACE!
god i can just see one of those IMDB fucks now. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? THIS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF MY LEGO SETS FROM WHEN I WAS TEN! DO THEY HONESTLY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THIS IS A REAL PLANET? GOD THEY'RE SO DUMB!"
This film is CAMPy AS FUCK (which i always love) and yea obviously the acting is corny. The dialogue is awesome. None of the science terms made sense. I mean come on, gems are keeping the planet alive who needs science to make sense of that?
I was trying to figure out whether you could put this film in the "sexploitation" category. Yea okay so obviouslyyy every movie is a sexploitation movie if its got women in it but i mean, this film has NO SEX at all. What the fuck right? There's barely any nakedness (the only boobies you see are plastic boobies). I guess that's because if the drag queens got naked it would be "giving it away" that they weren't really women. In fact, i was pleasantly surprised that the two women who really had vaginas in the film never did get naked. I guess if anything we'd have to call this a dragsploitation flick, and frankly i think its awesome. Have i said dragtastic yet? It's that too.
Pretty much, this movie is fun and not meant to be taken seriously, at all. Doris Fish (who not only starred, but also wrote the film) is perfect. I mean look at her. Have I said dragtastic yet?
There's also a cool element to the film where a part of Vegas In Space is in black and white (that's the part of the world where the Queen Chief of Police lives) and there's also a super awesome dream sequence.
ALL IN ALL (lol this is how i end every college essay i write) just watch this movie. It's on NETFLIX INSTANT WATCH and is worth your hour and a half of free time. If you like John Waters, sci-fi, spoofs, drag queens, or laughter then i recommends this cinematicness to you.
Seriously, I can't wait for this absolutely QUIRKY, INDIE, AND OFFBEAT film to come out featuring an AWKWARD boy who has feelings for this wonderfully ARTSY and AWKWARD girl. It is sure to be like NO OTHER INDIE FILM ABOUT A QUIRKY YOUNG WHITE BOY FALLING FOR A QUIRKY YOUNG WHITE GIRL, ever. It'll definately be BETTER THAN 500 DAYS OF SUMMER because it's BRITISH which automatically makes it SMARTER and QUIRKIER and MORE OFFBEAT.
Real talk. No matter how good this movie might actually end up being I'm going to say it's too little too late. It's ultimately the coming-of-age indie straw that broke the pack of Camel cigarette's back.
In my opinion this is how it all started: We first fucked up by being all like "You're really cool Wes Anderson. Your pacing is so slow yet like i get it, you know? Holy shit is that Owen Wilson? I just saw him in Zoolander and now he's in this?! Wow this music really speaks to me, it would probably speak more to me if i understood French." Our praise for Wes, and his resulting success seemed to have helped spawn a new breed of pseudo-independent cinema. Movies that find themselves in purgatory between Indie Heaven and Mainstream Hell (or Mainstream Heaven and Indie Hell, depending on how much you liked Transformers). These new movies have sizable budgets, draw in well known actors, and get a lot of promotion (usually being backed by big lamestream studios) yet at the same time are released only in "select theatres". Is that what it is? The fucking "select theatres" crap? If say Avatar kept the budget, and actors (most of whom are less known than the ones we find in many of these "indie" films), but decided to only be released in "select theatres" rather than "a theatre near you" would that make it an "indie" film?
Man i never thought i'd say it but, this is where we got to give mumblecore props. Yeah shut up, I like some mumblecore, but only some okay? Sure mumblecore tends to deal with spoiled white kid issues just like these films do. You know issues like, "i'm so lonely in this world why doesn't anyone understand me? I need to fall in love, that's the only thing that can save me. Wait, what? No dad! I'm not going to law school I don't want to end up like you!" However, mumblebore films are made within a super low budget, don't cast big name Hollywood actors, rely a lot more on DIY ethics, and utilize the filmmaker's community more. For instance, the soundtrack is more likely to genuinely feature bands you've never heard of as opposed to bands you've never heard of until you heard them being played at Urban Outfitters.
So how about this.
If you really need your fix of contemporary alt film bout having an existential crisis and shit then i suggest you throw out your DVD of 500 Days of Summer and instead get yourself a copy of The Puffy Chair (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436689/) or Hannah Takes The Stairs (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0841108/). Then maybe check out the web-series Young American Bodies (http://www.youngamericanbodies.com/). I personally prefer this show to a lot of the films because the episodes are short. Meaning, I don't have to worry as much about entering an irritating scene featuring a seemingly endless conversation about tube socks, and wonder how the fuck it relates to anything at all. Hint: it doesn't, but omg that's the point!? Shit, i guess i just really hate mumblecore too.
Fuck it, let's just call it a night and conclude that mumblecore is the lesser of the two evils. If you're still confused about what the fuck mumblebore is (fyi, that's my cute little nickname for it) then here let me link you to the source that knows it best, Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mumblecore).
We all know the deal with him. He's considered the "renaissance man" of Hollywood. Actor, director, screenwriter, painter, performance artist, video artist, fiction writer, poet, stud muffin, man-with-RZCES (Rene Zellweger Closed Eyes Syndrome), and more! He's the epitome of "love him or hate him". You either love that he is "sooooo good at art stuff" or hate that he is "soooo undeserving of people deeming him as guy who is good at art stuff".
What exactly has Franco been doing? Well, while being a famous actor in the biz, he ended up reenrolling at UCLA for his degree in creative writing. Then asked NYU if he could grace them with his presence as an MFA film student, but i guess Columbia was all like, "Franco, y u no want study here?" so Franco being the selfless giver that he is was all like "okay Columbia give me a masters in creative writing". However, it seems as though Columbia wasn't good enough at honing Franco's writing craft cause he needed even more colleges to throw MFAs at him. He decided to see Brooklyn College on the side of Columbia (which was already being seen on the side of NYU) and occasionally hooked up with Warren Wilson College for some extra help in poetry.
See, here is where I am confused. I get why NYU and Columbia accepted Franco in the first place (because they're both bullshit universities that care more about money and reputation than anything else and what better way to get both those things than from Mr.RichandFamous himself) but if i was the hoity toity institutions they are i'd be offended that Franco was seeking outside help, and from state colleges no less! Franco is making a mockery of what it is to be an arts student. The liberal arts get a lot of flack already, and now franco is essentially saying that getting an MFA from Columbia is as easy to get as it is for him to get a handy under his desk from a hot classmate before class starts (then again i doubt it's that difficult for any guy to get a handy from a girl who's studying creative writing at an Ivy League university).
But no, these schools let him do his thang and didn't complain. Franco must have seen this as an okay to apply for his PhD at Yale, and shockingly enough-they welcomed him with open arms! Whats the PhD for? Why, creative writing of course! And get this, he wants another PhD in the same thing, but this time from the University of Houston. A PhD in the same fucking thing. Why does anyone need two PhDs? Especially if they are for THE SAME FUCKING THING. I'm sure Franco learns a lot of new fancy words from all his classes, but has he ever learned the word 'excess'? Too much man, too much pointless multiple degrees that are ultimately all for the same thing.
And therein lies the real issue. There isn't a rule that says famous people can't go to college. In fact, David Duchovny was a PhD student at Yale too (but has yet to complete his work for the degree). However, there is a sort of unwritten rule about doing all these things at the same time. It's impossible. I can barely handle being a double major at one university, and that's just me speaking as plain old student, and not as soap opera star and movie actor. It's the simultaneity and selfish need to do all these things for the sake of a degree that makes Franco go from "talented, attractive young guy" to "ridiculously undeserving attractive young guy". Yes, there are many other public figures who have accomplished just as many things, but they never did it in such an "in your face manner" and so quickly. Usually, doing all these things and doing them well takes a lot of time, and a lot of effort. It's like this. While other multi-faceted artists work on one thing at a time, struggle to get the respective community they're working for's approval, Franco just jacks off all his bullshit-jizz onto everything at once and calls it a day.
If that isn't enough to convince you Franco's just being a douche consider this too. He's fucking famous, well-connected, and rich. When his NYU film class assigns a project his fellow students struggle with their limited resources to find actors, filming locations, etc. while Franco just says, "well i'm hosting SNL this week so why not just document that!" Yeah of course that's going to be awesome. You're able to get Amy Poehler on your homework project while some other kid without this advantage is stuck interviewing some guy who once saw Mick Jagger at a McDonalds.
Then again, maybe James Franco is not being a douche. I'm no expert or anything (although i did read the first two chapters of Psychology for Dummies in the eleventh grade) but i have a feeling there might be some deeper emotional issues with Franco. I mean think about it, the guy has this undeniable urge to stay busy. Why? Why this urge to always be doing something? Honestly, does James have any friends? You know like, real friends? I want to know. Do you think Franco might just be so lonely and feel so alienated to the point where he needs these entitlements in order to distract himself from admitting to such feelings? If this, or something like it, is the case then i predict Franco eventually going fuck-off crazy in the near future. He'll be the next Gary Busey, not the next Orson Welles. So oblivious to the fact that he can't possibly be as talented as he says he is,and so eager to prove all the haters wrong (which will never happen) I feel like some meltdown is bound to happen.
Or am i totally off? Am i doing just what every institution he works with does? Am i giving him too much credit just because he's famous?
