Finish The Movie For Me

Man, remember when Netflix didn't have the Instant Watch feature and Blockbuster still had a chance of surviving?

Remember when we had to wait like two whole long and extremely unbearable days for that fuckin DVD to arrive in the mail? I don't know about you, but i haven't checked out an actual DVD from Netflix in over a year.
Seriously, i have had this copy of Lars and the Real Girl for that long. Netflix must suspect that i have a freakish attachment to this movie because it accomplished what i had previously thought the impossible by making Ryan Gosling the least sexual and most undesirable man on the planet. Seriously, i'd rather bone Sloth from the Goonies.

But no Netflix that's not it. I've simply just become one of the 'converted'. I've joined that new breed of movie watchers who now prefer to ditch their small screen in the living room for the even smaller screen on their computer. Thanks to Instant Watch no longer do i have to do that whole waiting bullshit to watch awesome movies, and believe me I have been using this feature to its full advantage. My Instant Watch queue had even reached its maximum several times (it's 500 if you were wondering). No longer do I have to fall asleep to the sound of my own bitter and depressing thoughts, but now my trusty laptop rests beside me, playing any movie I pick from my glorious queue (I swear i'm not lonely).

With the advancement of Instant Watch however, i have also found that with watching movies on my computer comes with a new set of distractions: the internet.

It's hard to watch something and not want to check the Facebook every now and then, or my email, or Tumblr. You know, that shit-I'd continue listing all the sites I frequent on the internet but after the fifth or sixth shit gets weird. Like ultimate surrender porn weird...lol just kidding!!! (I swear i'm not lonely).

If the movie ends up being too boring, i'll just give up on it and deem "interwebz" the winner over "filmstuffs".

So now I give you the three most recent films that in reading their synposis should have been more entertaining than my Facebook ,but in reality were proving far too boring for me to go on with.


1.) Sleeping Dogs Lie.



Here is the Netflix summary:
All hell breaks loose when a woman reveals a secret to her fiancé in comedian-director Bob Goldthwait's edgy romantic comedy. Encouraged by her mother and co-worker, Amy (Melinda Page Hamilton) tells her husband-to-be about a rather shocking past sexual encounter. But her confession threatens to destroy the relationship, and what unfolds is a story of integrity, family ties, bravery and forgiveness. Bryce Johnson and Colby French co-star.

Seems sort of interesting for a romcom. I was curious. After the first fifteen minutes I was still interested (which is usually the point where i lose my interest in most other romantic comedies). So, i'll just tell you. This lady gave her pet dog a blowjob when she was in college and is now scared to tell her fiance about it. That's it. That's the fucking movie. After forty minutes my patience grew thin and I gave up. Movie started pissing me off to be honest. Her fiance just confessed to having eaten a cookie glazed with his and his friends semen on it back in the day, but when she finally does tell him about the canine BJ she performed back in the day he freaks the fuck out and is all like WOAH YOU'RE A DOG FUCKER?! Fucking men. Hypocritical sexist pigfucks (i'm not lonely i swear).

Obviously, i have no idea how it ends. My guess is it has something to do with the invention of sex toys for dogs and the two fall back in love and grow wildly rich together.

2.) Bunny and The Bull. Netflix summary:

Stephen Turnbull (Edward Hogg) hasn't left his flat in months. With so much time to think, his mind wanders back to a road trip he and his friend Bunny (Simon Farnaby) once took across Europe. As he revisits the journey, a psychedelic swirl of memories invades his living room. And since most of the trip was an utter disaster, Stephen's apartment is in for a makeover. Paul King, the mad genius behind "The Mighty Boosh," helms this comedy.



The indiehipsterfuck in me saw "The Mighty Boosh" relation and was so stoked on watching this. Then the indiehipsterQUIRKYfuck in me was even more stoked with the opening scene showing some attractive skinny dude being trapped in his apartment and cataloging his piss. Then the indiehipsterquirkyARTSYfuck in me noticed that the flashback scenes are super fuckin cool cause all the scenery is paper cutouts that look super like "nonconventional" and "creative". The characters (this skinny dude and his friend Bunny) were captivating at first and yeah, the dialogue was clever. I was hooked until the Spanish lady came into the mix. From there shit just got boring and i was like "damn, wonder if any more people 'liked' my status today". I was growing tired of the skinny dude being so anal retentive and his buddy being the badass.

Now that is a tired tired tired tired tired tired convention. Like seriously, why do movies continue to do that whole, have the supporting character be the total opposite of the main character in every way imaginable, yet somehow they still manage to be the best of friends, thing? It's just so unrealistic. If i am an anal, obsessive compulsive, piss-cataloguing dude i'm not going to want to keep hanging out with a messy, sloppy, constantly-fucking-chicks dude. Seriously, what makes sense about that? People justify it by saying "it's cause he wants to be that guy, but can't do it so he just lives vicariously through his friend blah blah blah". Honestly to me that's just a cop out. Not being able to think of another way to show some main character's hidden desires. If he wanted to be that guy he would just be. that. guy.

Anyways...

3.) Raging Bull.

Oh yeah, i'm going there. Sorry cinephiles but i'm going to totally blow your shithole by deeming this "masterpiece" dull as balls.

wait wait wait, check this out: Raging Bull, more like Raging Bore. Martin Scorcese? More like Martin Scorfailsy! Hehehehe (i'm not lonely i swear).



No seriously, i'm sorry, but for being number four on that super legit AFI hundred greatest American films list i was quite disappointed in how not awesome i found this film to be. Maybe it's because i'm not a big Scorcese fan, or a boxing fan. I also think Robert De Niro is one of the most overrated actors of all time. Other than Taxi Driver, and maybe like one or two others, his characters fail to impress me. It's always just "italian tough guy" "or tough gangster" or "tough guy" or "tough". It's like he's pretty much just always being himself and people confuse it for method acting. I know, i'm taking a big risk saying all this but fuck it: RAGING BULL IS TOO LONG, AND EXTREMELY UNIMPRESSIVE. I finally broke focus after one painful hour to update my Tumblr. That's the severity of boredom i was experiencing with Raging Bull. It was that bad. Tumblr bad.

I couldn't sit through Raging Bull, yet last night I managed to focus all my attention on Joe's Apartment. Netflix summary:

Based on a popular short, the first MTV-produced film shows what happens when Joe (Jerry O'Connell) moves from rural Iowa to New York. Forced to rent a squalid apartment, the clean-scrubbed Midwesterner discovers the place is infested with thousands of cockroaches. But before he calls the exterminator, Joe decides to observe the insects, which quickly win his affection with their distinctly un-insect-like behavior.

Like seriously, singing and dancing cockroaches. How could one look away?



People don't give 'crappy' movies enough credit. Sometimes it's these kinds of movies that leave you thinking more than the "cinematic greats" do.

For instance, in Raging Bull all i was getting was the notion that there's this troubled guy who can't handle his rage and jealousy and is slowly ruining his career because of it. Yeah yeah sucks to be him.

However, it was a talking cockroach that left me with this food for thought: "mankind's need to being alone is a false philosophical construct".

Just consider that next time you're debating between "Critically-acclaimed Cerebral Independent Movies" and "Goofy Late Night Comedies" (got to love Netflix's genre creations)

So to sum up, with great Instant Watch power comes great responsibility. It seems as though there's a new way to judge a film's ability to captivate. Whether it can outlast one's need to check on their Facebook, or check for any new emails, or to find out when Cuba Gooding Jr's birthday is.







...and this is the part where you look up Cuba Gooding Jr's birthday.

I Love My Body, Sort Of

I'm about to Rodney Dangerfield up in this bitch and say that i got NO RESPECT, NO RESPECT AT ALL for these women: Jennifer Hudson, Sara Rue, and Raven Symone. There are many more like them, but these are the main three making "news" right now for this particular issue:

These are women who were at one point OVERWEIGHT (not obese mind you) but are now SKINNY and because of this they become spokeswomen for weight-loss programs or just flat out get interviewed and say dumb shit like BEING SKINNY ROCKS, THIS IS SO MUCH BETTARRR when before they were always saying shit like I LOVE MY BODY THE WAY IT IS, WHY SHOULD I CHANGE MYSELF FOR DA INDUSTRY?

It's more sad than anything really. Hollywood has always been good at misrepresenting women. Sexualizing and objectifying them to fit a ridiculous mold that few women can realistically, either physically or mentally fit into. According to mainstream cinema, women just can't be attractive if they are overweight.

So with this in mind, a few bigger women manage to achieve success without fitting into said mold and of course, their weight becomes a topic of discussion. They say poop like "I'm big and beautiful. Feels good knowing i'm a role model for girls like me", and then what happens? A few years later they are featured in covers of shitty magazines saying THINNER AND FEELING BETTER.

It's a vicious cycle, and i DO understand where these women are coming from. They really are in the worst possible fucking industry when it comes to body image, but it would really be so much better if they didn't say how they feel so great now, as if they were so depressed and sad to be overweight before. Blatantly contradicting themselves and proving that after all these years Hollywood is still not ready to let overweight women onto their screens.

That is, unless they're SO FAT THAT THEY'RE FUNNY. Funny women can be anything-fat, ethnic, gay. As long as they're not too in the way of their pretty best friend on screen they can be in nearly every damn movie saying hilarious shit like "if i had your skinny ass i'd bone that man in two seconds flat!" Man these women got audiences laughing up a storm! Now go away so Kate Hudson can herpderp her way to twue wuv.

Basically, there's a difference between being overweight and being unhealthy. Having some extra pounds does not automatically mean you are going to have a heart attack any day now. There is no real reason for Hollywood to essentially ban these women from the screens other than because they simply don't want big girls getting the limelight. Besides, Hollywood can't go on saying that putting overweight women in leading roles is promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, and instead put women that are quite evidently underweight as leads instead, as if that is somehow healthier.

My hopes were high when JHud won the oscar for that Dreamgirls movie about the rise and fall of Destiny's Child (I never watched it, but it's about Beyonce trying to go solo after being in a girl group right?) All her "breakin boundaries" cred. is lost on me now. She went from that to this:



Fucking god listen to that crap. FINALLY I GOT A SMILE ON MY FACE AFTER BEING ON WEIGHT WATCHERS AND LOOK I'M ALSO SINGING ABOUT IT. I NEVER DO THAT, EVER. THAT'S HOW FUCKING HAPPY I AM TO FINALLY BE SKINNNNNY!!!!

Sara Rue too:



MAN I'M SO SKINNY AND HOT. LOOK AT MY LEGS! IT'S A NEW ME! I TRULY FEEL LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING NOW THAT I'M THIN!

These are the same women who previously boasted being 'proud of their curves'.

I don't know. If these women are genuinely a lot happier now that they are thin then fine, whatever. I'll just consider any positive things they said about being overweight before total and complete bullshit.

If that's the case, then Hollywood needs a new type of "leading lady". One that has got some extra pudge and isn't treated like she has a problem. Give her the same roles as other women without acknowledging her appearance. Let's have a woman that can be that, without making her an object of ridicule. I want a truly confident woman to be on screen, and not give in to the industry's stupid as fuck standards. That's all.

Now look at Chesty Morgan's huge tits:



THE END

A Very Serious Blog Post

It's an often very important element in hundreds of thousands of movies. In American cinema especially, we see it often in all its glorified awesomeness. From Wayne's World, to Mystic Pizza to Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. From Diner, to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, to Goodburger. From Grease to Dog Day Afternoon to Coming to America to...well there's a shit ton more you get my point.

If you haven't guessed already, i'm talking about the ever beloved foods that are PIZZA and BURGERS. Seriously, the two greatest foods in the world to put in a movie. Believe it or not, many articles have already been written about "greatest pizza scenes in a movie" and "best fast food scenes" etc. However, has anyone ever done the unthinkable? Has anyone pitted the two iconic foods together? No? What i'm really trying to say is...

THAT'S RIGHT THIS IS A FUCKING BLOG POST DEDICATED TO PIZZA VERSUS BURGERS. GO AWAY NOW IF YOU'RE LAME AND THINK THIS IS STUPID





We can say now that pizza obviously wins when it comes to porn flicks thanks to pizza delivery boys graciously adding "an extra special sausage" to every order. However, does pizza reign supreme in the non-pornographic film world?

This is the part of the post where IF i were a lame and out-of-touch suburbanite I would compare this battle to Tupac versus Biggie. However, i know that that was many years ago and is highly irrelevant today and that only other lame and clueless fucks would find it funny which is why instead i'll say...

Man, PIZZA versus BURGERS. It's like KOBE versus SHAQ am i right? So hard to decide!!



At first glance it might seem that burgers take the prize due to the number of much more "quality flicks" they happen to be a part of. Just think of any diner movie, or movie with a well known diner scene, and chances are it's got people eating burgers. However, that's also the problem. You see unlike pizza, it's not as likely for the burger to be acknowledged outside of the eatery it's being eaten at.

Burgers tend to need that locational crutch in order to keep themselves prevalent. Pizza on the other hand, isn't fixed to a location. It is more appreciated outside of a geographical realm, and is more often than not beloved for what it is as opposed to where it is coming from.





Then again, can't deny when a burger gets its props:





This is the opening credits to Hamburger: The Motion Picture. This movie is seriously the most "America" movie I have ever seen. A super stud white dude is sent to BUSTERBURGER university (name of burger franchise) after being kicked out of every other college he's attended because he KEEPS HAVING SEX with women and CAN'T FOCUS ON SCHOOLWORK. My favorite part of this movie is the fiery Latina woman from the country of GUACAMOLE. This movie seriously has everything you need for a successful comedy. Sex, racism, capitalism, and a fat guy.



Regardless of all this. I still can't help but lean more towards the pizza side. It just doesn't rely as heavily on the "name brand" support that burgers got. Get what i'm sayin? I guess in a way you can say pizza just hasn't like, totally sold out you know? Pizza is like Bill Murray before Garfield (this paragraph just solidified that i am the shittiest person in the world).

And another thing, burgers and their tight relationship with fast food restaurants have become more detrimental than anything. In more recent years, films such as Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation helped ruin the fun for everyone by showing us just how crappy and gross burgers really are (thanks a lot Morgan "Buzzkill" Spurlock).

So there it is. I just about figured this shit out. Pizza rules all, forever and ever. You're welcome America.

P.S. HOT DOGS ARE THE FUCKING WORST THEY NEED TO BE OUT OF MOVIES FOREVER HOLY SHIT THEY SUCK SO HARD