Remember when we had to wait like two whole long and extremely unbearable days for that fuckin DVD to arrive in the mail? I don't know about you, but i haven't checked out an actual DVD from Netflix in over a year.
Seriously, i have had this copy of Lars and the Real Girl for that long. Netflix must suspect that i have a freakish attachment to this movie because it accomplished what i had previously thought the impossible by making Ryan Gosling the least sexual and most undesirable man on the planet. Seriously, i'd rather bone Sloth from the Goonies.
But no Netflix that's not it. I've simply just become one of the 'converted'. I've joined that new breed of movie watchers who now prefer to ditch their small screen in the living room for the even smaller screen on their computer. Thanks to Instant Watch no longer do i have to do that whole waiting bullshit to watch awesome movies, and believe me I have been using this feature to its full advantage. My Instant Watch queue had even reached its maximum several times (it's 500 if you were wondering). No longer do I have to fall asleep to the sound of my own bitter and depressing thoughts, but now my trusty laptop rests beside me, playing any movie I pick from my glorious queue (I swear i'm not lonely).
With the advancement of Instant Watch however, i have also found that with watching movies on my computer comes with a new set of distractions: the internet.
It's hard to watch something and not want to check the Facebook every now and then, or my email, or Tumblr. You know, that shit-I'd continue listing all the sites I frequent on the internet but after the fifth or sixth shit gets weird. Like ultimate surrender porn weird...lol just kidding!!! (I swear i'm not lonely).
If the movie ends up being too boring, i'll just give up on it and deem "interwebz" the winner over "filmstuffs".
So now I give you the three most recent films that in reading their synposis should have been more entertaining than my Facebook ,but in reality were proving far too boring for me to go on with.
1.) Sleeping Dogs Lie.
Here is the Netflix summary:
All hell breaks loose when a woman reveals a secret to her fiancé in comedian-director Bob Goldthwait's edgy romantic comedy. Encouraged by her mother and co-worker, Amy (Melinda Page Hamilton) tells her husband-to-be about a rather shocking past sexual encounter. But her confession threatens to destroy the relationship, and what unfolds is a story of integrity, family ties, bravery and forgiveness. Bryce Johnson and Colby French co-star.
Seems sort of interesting for a romcom. I was curious. After the first fifteen minutes I was still interested (which is usually the point where i lose my interest in most other romantic comedies). So, i'll just tell you. This lady gave her pet dog a blowjob when she was in college and is now scared to tell her fiance about it. That's it. That's the fucking movie. After forty minutes my patience grew thin and I gave up. Movie started pissing me off to be honest. Her fiance just confessed to having eaten a cookie glazed with his and his friends semen on it back in the day, but when she finally does tell him about the canine BJ she performed back in the day he freaks the fuck out and is all like WOAH YOU'RE A DOG FUCKER?! Fucking men. Hypocritical sexist pigfucks (i'm not lonely i swear).
Obviously, i have no idea how it ends. My guess is it has something to do with the invention of sex toys for dogs and the two fall back in love and grow wildly rich together.
2.) Bunny and The Bull. Netflix summary:
Stephen Turnbull (Edward Hogg) hasn't left his flat in months. With so much time to think, his mind wanders back to a road trip he and his friend Bunny (Simon Farnaby) once took across Europe. As he revisits the journey, a psychedelic swirl of memories invades his living room. And since most of the trip was an utter disaster, Stephen's apartment is in for a makeover. Paul King, the mad genius behind "The Mighty Boosh," helms this comedy.
The indiehipsterfuck in me saw "The Mighty Boosh" relation and was so stoked on watching this. Then the indiehipsterQUIRKYfuck in me was even more stoked with the opening scene showing some attractive skinny dude being trapped in his apartment and cataloging his piss. Then the indiehipsterquirkyARTSYfuck in me noticed that the flashback scenes are super fuckin cool cause all the scenery is paper cutouts that look super like "nonconventional" and "creative". The characters (this skinny dude and his friend Bunny) were captivating at first and yeah, the dialogue was clever. I was hooked until the Spanish lady came into the mix. From there shit just got boring and i was like "damn, wonder if any more people 'liked' my status today". I was growing tired of the skinny dude being so anal retentive and his buddy being the badass.
Now that is a tired tired tired tired tired tired convention. Like seriously, why do movies continue to do that whole, have the supporting character be the total opposite of the main character in every way imaginable, yet somehow they still manage to be the best of friends, thing? It's just so unrealistic. If i am an anal, obsessive compulsive, piss-cataloguing dude i'm not going to want to keep hanging out with a messy, sloppy, constantly-fucking-chicks dude. Seriously, what makes sense about that? People justify it by saying "it's cause he wants to be that guy, but can't do it so he just lives vicariously through his friend blah blah blah". Honestly to me that's just a cop out. Not being able to think of another way to show some main character's hidden desires. If he wanted to be that guy he would just be. that. guy.
Anyways...
3.) Raging Bull.
Oh yeah, i'm going there. Sorry cinephiles but i'm going to totally blow your shithole by deeming this "masterpiece" dull as balls.
wait wait wait, check this out: Raging Bull, more like Raging Bore. Martin Scorcese? More like Martin Scorfailsy! Hehehehe (i'm not lonely i swear).
No seriously, i'm sorry, but for being number four on that super legit AFI hundred greatest American films list i was quite disappointed in how not awesome i found this film to be. Maybe it's because i'm not a big Scorcese fan, or a boxing fan. I also think Robert De Niro is one of the most overrated actors of all time. Other than Taxi Driver, and maybe like one or two others, his characters fail to impress me. It's always just "italian tough guy" "or tough gangster" or "tough guy" or "tough". It's like he's pretty much just always being himself and people confuse it for method acting. I know, i'm taking a big risk saying all this but fuck it: RAGING BULL IS TOO LONG, AND EXTREMELY UNIMPRESSIVE. I finally broke focus after one painful hour to update my Tumblr. That's the severity of boredom i was experiencing with Raging Bull. It was that bad. Tumblr bad.
I couldn't sit through Raging Bull, yet last night I managed to focus all my attention on Joe's Apartment. Netflix summary:
Based on a popular short, the first MTV-produced film shows what happens when Joe (Jerry O'Connell) moves from rural Iowa to New York. Forced to rent a squalid apartment, the clean-scrubbed Midwesterner discovers the place is infested with thousands of cockroaches. But before he calls the exterminator, Joe decides to observe the insects, which quickly win his affection with their distinctly un-insect-like behavior.
Like seriously, singing and dancing cockroaches. How could one look away?
People don't give 'crappy' movies enough credit. Sometimes it's these kinds of movies that leave you thinking more than the "cinematic greats" do.
For instance, in Raging Bull all i was getting was the notion that there's this troubled guy who can't handle his rage and jealousy and is slowly ruining his career because of it. Yeah yeah sucks to be him.
However, it was a talking cockroach that left me with this food for thought: "mankind's need to being alone is a false philosophical construct".
Just consider that next time you're debating between "Critically-acclaimed Cerebral Independent Movies" and "Goofy Late Night Comedies" (got to love Netflix's genre creations)
So to sum up, with great Instant Watch power comes great responsibility. It seems as though there's a new way to judge a film's ability to captivate. Whether it can outlast one's need to check on their Facebook, or check for any new emails, or to find out when Cuba Gooding Jr's birthday is.
...and this is the part where you look up Cuba Gooding Jr's birthday.
